Lies

I hate being lied to. Well, I know no body does but it really bothers me. Especially when my significant other does it, friends and family. I don't know why it's so hard to tell the truth. I know some who lie don't want to hurt the person or try to avoid an altercation. 

But I try not to lie, try is the key word. I have told my fair share of lies and hidden my fair of secrets but when you're in a relationship, especially one that you have been in for years, it's a bit tedious now. Frankly, it annoys me. I don't appreciate being lied to. I want no lies and no secrets but apparently that is too much to ask for nowadays. I honestly don't care if they don't want to start a fight or hear me complain but hiding stuff makes it worse. Especially when I do find out the truth. Before anyone readers make assumptions, I don't think my significant other is cheating BUT I do have a feeling he is keeping something form me and honestly, it's upsetting. I try to be as honest as possible. As you might have read my Relationship post, my current boyfriend and I have had a rough past. Lies, secrets and betrayal. Why did I stick around? I don't know, I love him. Things were getting better but since he and I don't spend a lot of time together any more because of occupations, I noticed a change in him. Like he's falling back into the same patterns as before. Frankly, I am disappointed. I wish things were different. I wish when he said he changed, he really did. So who knows what our future holds now. Maybe there is no future. Who knows.

I am also sick of my family telling lies about one another and hiding things from each other. We are family! Seriously, grow up!! I am just sick of it. I can't even deal with this anymore. Family obviously means nothing to some of the members in my family.

My friends, we lost touch but some I am still pretty close to and I appreciate how they can vent to me but when they make it seems like they are about to tell me something and then steer away from the topic. It's unnerving, I was always the go to friend to share things with because I am a very understanding individual and I try to help the best I can.

I don't know. Times have changed. People change. Traditions have changed. Maybe, I am overreacting. But it doesn't stop the fact that it upsets me.

-Star

Relationships

I have been in a relationship for many years. Many of my friends ask how we've lasted so long. I never know how to answer that question; we have had our fair share of ups and downs. We aren't perfect, we just always ended up working things out in the end.

List of my relationships:

~ My first boyfriend, for the sake of this blog, his name will be "David," was when I was around the age of 13-14. He was a year younger than I. He dated my friends before he started dating me. My father didn't like the idea of that but I really liked the kid so I accepted his request to be his girlfriend. We dated for almost two years. What a very long two years that was! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the good times we had and he will always be my first love but the relationship in the end, was bad. Our first kiss was shared at a movie theater, the most awkward moment of my life, might I add! He was very sweet when we started going out. Things started going horrible after about a year. I lost my virginty to him, I didn't want to, I wasn't ready! But his friends made fun of him, I took pity. Always make sure you're ready! Anyway, that's when things took a terrible turn. He went to a psych ward. He tried to kill himself, over family matters. Though I feel his mother blamed me. Once he was out, he became very controlling. He admitted to basically cheating on me with another girl in the ward. He didn't want me around my friends anymore, he threatened them. I was only allowed to be friends with his friends. He choked me, for no reason.  He would flirt with other girls and even left me to pursue a girl but she wasn't interested in him so he turned back to me and I, foolishly, took him back! I wasn't allowed to do anything I wanted to do and I would have to sneak around to hang out with my friends. He was a bully to my best friend, turning people against her! They would do cruel things to her. It made her begin to self harm. I was losing control of what was going on. He was so cruel, I began to self harm. One day, he broke up with me. It was winter. School was letting out due to a storm. He texted me telling me to meet him at a park. So I did. I walked through the snow storm to talk to him. Why? I honestly don't know. He was crying to me, to take him back. I did... I thought he was the love of my life. That we were going to get married. I did love him then. We continued to be an on and off relationship. Then... He told me he was moving. This obviously broke my heart. He said we would try to make it work as a long distance relationship. When he moved, we lost contact, barely spoke. One day, after school, I came home, the phone rang, it was him. To tell me, he was breaking up with me. And guess what, I was happy! He was far away and it was all over. Everything between us was over. We tried to stay friends but that didn't exactly work out...

~ I had an online relationship with someone many states away, that didn't work out, we liked each other but not enough to stay together.

~ I had another long distance relationship, with David's best friend. David moved to my town a few week before we started dating, I forgot to mention that. But his best friend... We'll call him, "Jake," he was the sweetest and so full of love to give. We lasted for a little over half a year. He was the sweetest guy I have ever known. But, my friend was dating his friend at the same time and he told me Jake was cheating on me. This made me lose my trust. But I still fell for him. The way he expressed his feelings for me, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world but... Distance was a problem. I wanted to meet him. But being only 16, it was hard to get the money together. He was whiny, but a sweetheart. We broke up because I could not take the distance anymore and I met someone else, someone closer. I felt horrible. I know I broke his heart. We stayed friends for a while but his girlfriend didn't approve. He was expressing his love for me too much. He was my best friend, though and sometimes... I miss him.

~ Now, the guy, "James," the one I met while I was with Jake, I got his number from a friend. I messaged him, not knowing who or what to expect. I didn't mean to fall for him while I was with Jake. But James lived closer. We had so much in common. He made me laugh and smile. I thought he was very attractive. He thought I was as well. He stopped me from self harming. We didn't actually meet till a couple weeks being together. We were both so nervous when we first met! Our kiss was cute and awkward. I just fell for him, HARD. He was sweet and caring. I loved him before I even knew it. We were together for about a year then we broke up, for a brief time. He was off with another girl, I was yet again, having a relationship with someone who I never met. But I was still devastated that James left me... For her. I hated her guts and still do.;) I did the whole online dating thing to get over James. Life started getting easier, I was going back to my normal happy self, I was getting over James. Then one random day, he calls out of the blue, apologizing and wanting me back!! I was furious! He broke my heart! I was finally getting over him and he does this? But I accepted and we started dating again. We've had a few arguments. Then the on and off relationship started happening. I already dealt with this before but with James, it was hard to take. He started messaging girls and flirting, planning things... I was, of course, livid but I didn't know what to do! He would claim he didn't realize he was flirting. I would believe him. He started being secretive about things. He started changing towards me. The sweet words were gone. I know the sweetness dies down but he was acting strange. He was texting a girl about cheating on me! He wanted to because he believed I was! I wasn't, never did and never will! He was asking girls for nudes. One girl... Ruined everything between us. Teaching him that having more than one girlfriend was okay. It has never left his mind since then lbut I refused! I will never share! I am monogamous! I think he hates me for it. But we worked out our differences, to never speak of it again. He changed. He doesn't chase after girls anymore but I know, he still wants his little fantasy. But I shoot it down everytime. I wish he was monogamous. It hurts my feelings and I feel like I am and never will be good enough. We are still together. Some days are a struggle and some days are great. Things changed between us. We understand more and respect more. It's been seven long years together. He is my best friend. My love. Sometimes I wonder if we will be together forever but who knows. I know, despite everything, I still came back. He still came back. I don't know if we're settling with each other but I know we have a love for one another. I don't know, being uncertain is a terrible thing. But for now, we are okay. No more lies and no more secrets. Knock wood! Who knows what the furture holds for us. But for now, I am going to take this day by day.

So what I am trying to get at is relationships aren't perfect. If yours is, lucky you! I am happy for you. I don't know why my relationship has lasted so long, I really don't. Most women wouldn't put up with half the crap I have. But I did and here I am, I still love him. I am still with him. He makes me happy when things are good. I am trying to get over the past. We aren't perfect but frankly, who is?

Relationships are struggles sometimes but depending what the issue is and situation. Work things out. If he ever lays a hand on you, leave him now! Verbal, mental and physical abuse is very real. Leave him now. Abuse isn't love. Sex isn't love.

-Star